Death Of The Volvo
by MonkeyMojo
Summary: Bella is tired of Edward's obsession. She decides to take things into her own hands... Along with some explosives.
1. The Decision

I do not own Twilight… I don't even own this story's plot line… I got the idea from JASPERHALEFOREVER.

**The Decision**

**Bella's Point Of View**

**-**

"Hey, Edward, guess what." I said. We were in the garage while Edward wiped down the hunkajunk, oh, whoops, I mean his Volvo. Stupid, shiny Volvo.

"What?" He asked.

"Volvos were voted most likely to be bought by moms." I said.

He looked at me. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Come on Edward, you know what I mean. It was rated for its high safety. Mini-vans… SUVs…" I looked at him. "Volvos."

I know, I know. I have unresolved issues with his car. But really… how can I not be jealous? 

He doesn't rub me like he rubs the Volvo, that's for darn sure.

He looked at me suspiciously. "I'm afraid I don't see what you mean… Are you insinuating that I have a… mom car?"

"Yes."

"Le gasp!" He gasped. "How dare you!"

"Oh I dare!" I said. "I also dare to say that your car is… is… unworthy of being a game show prize where it would be draped with scantily clad women!"

He narrowed his eyes. "Oh, no you didn't."

"Oh, yes I— Edward! Put me down!" He had thrown me over his shoulder and was walking towards the house.

"Rosalie! Rosalie, come here!" He called.

My eyes widened. "Edward… No need to do anything drastic…"

Rosalie walked in to the room and said, "What is it, Edward? And put Bella down before you break her."

"Oh, like he cares! As long as his car is fine, the world can keep spinning!" I said, my voice slightly muffled from being upside down.

He put me down and turned to Rose.

"Do you know what she said about my car? She called it… she called it… I can't say it!" He cried.

"Psh… I can. I called it a mom car."

Rosalie gasped. The world stopped. Sirens were heard.

I rolled my eyes.

I decided it was due time to get rid of the Volvo.


	2. The Plan

**The Plan**

**Bella's Point Of View**

**-**

About a week later I had a plan.

It was a great plan, if I do say so myself. (And I do.)

I went to Alice's room to tell her. I would have just kept it to myself, but she can see the future. If I hadn't told her and had left her to find out for herself, she would have done horrible things to my face. I shudder just thinking about it.

I went to her door and knocked on it. She opened her door and let me in.

"I had a feeling you would be coming here..." She said mysteriously, pulling me inside her room.

"Psh... Well, duh, miss 'I can see the future'." I scoffed.

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't scoff at me, missy!"

I narrowed my eyes right back at her. "Or what?"

"Or I won't help you!"

"How do you even know what I'm going to do?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes. "You just said it yourself! Hello, future seer here!"

"Oh. Yeah. Heh heh. Forgot."

"Uh-huh." She said. "Well, what is the plan, then?"

"Don't you know?" I asked.

"Yeah, but the people reading don't. How do you think they would feel if we just went, 'Hey, I got a plan!' 'I know! Let's go get supplies!' 'Okay! I'll get the explosives, you get the gasoline!' 'Okay!' and that was it?"

"They would probably be relieved that they didn't have to read all the tedious details."

"Well, to bad for them. Explain!"

I sighed. "Fine!"

"First, we wait for the cover of nightfall! Then we sneak into the garage and steal the dreaded Volvo! Then, and this is where you and your super strength come in, then we take it to an abandoned mine field and put it over an explosive. Then we get far,_ far_, FAR back and throw a rock at it. It explodes. BOOM. Dead Volvo." I said proudly.

She just stared at me. "That won't work for several reasons."

"What? But—but—Why?" I sputtered.

"Well, I'll tell you. For one thing, the cover of nightfall thing won't work because we can see great in the dark. And Edward probably won't let you leave in the middle of the night to blow up his car. And I don't know where any abandoned mine fields are. Emmett might, but he would tell Rosalie."

I frowned. "You... are a murderer of fun! A... a... FUN SUCKER!"

"Oh, calm down! I have a better idea." She said.

"Fine, then. What is your brilliant plan, Oh, Great One?" I grumbled.

"Well, we wait for Edward to go hunting, then we take his car, put it in a field—" I smiled. She frowned and said, "Not a mine field, Bella. A normal field. Then we take seventeen cans of gasoline and pour it on the inside and outside of the car. And—this is where your part of the plan comes in—we light a rock on fire and throw it at the car. Then, here's another one of yours, it goes BOOM! Yay explosives!" She finished.

I smiled.

She smiled.

We all smiled.

* * *

Oh...My...GOODNESS. I am, like, hyperventilating from the reviews... I love you all with the passion of a thousand burning suns! (Ouch...)

Peace out,

--- Mojo


	3. The Burning

**The Burning**

**Bella's Point Of View**

**-**

The day had come.

Edward was finally out hunting.

Alice, Jasper, and I were walking towards the garage. They were the only ones who knew the plan.

Well, Esme knew, too. But that doesn't count.

Anyway… We were walking towards the garage, not even pretending to sneak because we knew it wouldn't matter either way.

Apparently I was 'noisier than a pack of elephant chasing monkeys'… According to Alice.

We were in the garage about to grab the Volvo, when Alice said, "Hey, Bella? You wanna blow up the Aston Martin, too?"

My eyes got big. "Ooh… Can you imagine the explosion for that one? But no… Edward would probably kill someone. Not me, of course. Maybe you, Jasper." I said.

"Hey!" He yelled indignantly. "I'm just as important to this story as you are!"

"Um… sure you are, sweetie." Alice said consolingly.

He frowned. "Well… If I weren't here then who would carry the car? Huh? I'm the big, strong man! You would be nothing without me! NOTHING, I SAY!" He was panting by the end of it.

Alice glared at him. "Um, hello? I'm a VAMPIRE. I can lift cars, too. Idiot."

I laughed.

Jasper sulked.

Alice smiled and lifted the car and said, "Let's go! They are on their way home!"

"Oh, no!" I yelled, and we ran out the door.

She set the car down in the middle of the field I had watched them play baseball in.

We then commence phase two.

I think.

Either that or it was phase four. I forget…

Anyway, all that means is we got thirty three gallons of gasoline and poured half inside the car and half outside of it.

By the time we were done I was loopy from the fumes. Jasper had to carry me to the side of the field.

When he set me down he said, "See? I_ was_ useful for something!"

I rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah Jasper. You are officially the Dizzy Bella carrier."

For some reason he was immensely proud of that.

I turned to Alice and said, "Phase twenty six! Where is the rock?"

She was about to answer when she got a glazed look on her face.

And I don't mean donuts, people.

She snapped out of it and said, "We need to hurry! Edward, Emmett and Rose smelled the gasoline and they're coming this way!"

She got the rock out of her pocket and lit it on fire.

"Hey, wait." I said. "How is that rock on fire? Rocks aren't flammable…"

She frowned. "You're right."

The fire went out.

"I have an idea!" Jasper yelled.

"Well, what is it?" I asked.

"We take Alice's shirt and wrap it around the rock and _then_ light it on fire!" He said proudly.

Alice said, "Jasper, I'm not wearing anything under my shirt."

"I know." He said with a smile.

A smile that disappeared when Alice smacked him on the arm.

"Perv."

"I have a better idea." I said. "We'll just use my sock!"

"Ooh, good one!" She said.

I took off my sock and gave it to her. She wrapped it around the rock and set it on fire.

"OH. MY. GOODNESS." Jasper yelled.

"WHAT IS THAT STENCH?" Alice yelled. 

"Hey, my feet don't smell that bad!" I said.

She rolled her eyes and threw the offending sock at the Volvo.

It burst into flames immediately.

It was a beautiful sight.

Then, ruining the moment, a screech filled the air.

"IS THAT MY _CAR_? OH MY EFFING GOODNESS, THAT'S MY CAR!"

* * *

Heh heh… I think Edward saying effing is funny… It just seems so unlike him. One more chapter, but it has what everyone is waiting for. The explosion!

On a different note, I officially passed out from the amount of reviews. I even got a threat! That is so AWESOME.

Peace out,

Mojo


	4. The Explosion

**The Explosion**

**Bella's Point Of View**

**(I was going to do this one in Edward's, but the only words he was thinking would make this a rated M story… A lot of four letter words. None of them being 'love'.)**

**-**

I rolled my eyes at Edward. I felt no fear for some reason. I think the gas fumes were still getting to me.

"Oh, calm down Edward! You have another one!" I said.

His eyes went wide. "You—it was—oh my—I can't believe—Holy sh—BELLA HOW COULD YOU?" He sputtered.

It was amusing to watch him try to come to terms with the fact that it was me who ignited his car. He was just standing there, eyes bulging, spluttering nonsense, while the rest of us watched in fascination wondering what methods he would use to kill me.

"What is that smell? It's like… if someone got a jar filled with foot fungus and toenail clippings and lit them on fire then dumped it in a sewer," Emmett said.

I frowned at him. "My socks don't smell that bad!"

"Well, something sure does! Oh, and I'll take this time to tell you guys something important," Rosalie began, but she didn't have time to finish because Edward chose this crucial moment to become articulate.

"Bella? I thought you loved me…" he whimpered. "How could you do this to my pride, my joy?"

"Well, Edward… It all started with… um… I dunno. The pillow fights between you and Carlisle… Whoa, it's so bright… why aren't you all sparkly?"

He frowned. More so than he was already, which is pretty darn frowny. First, his car is set on fire, and then his fiancé gets loopy from the gasoline fumes. All in all it was a pretty tough day for him.

Rosalie cut in to say, "Guys, really, you need to know something about cars… and fire. You see—"

"No, no, Rosie… Just relax and enjoy the moment. Look at the pretty fire… so… pretty… Look how it is all different colors… All bright and shiny and—WOW…"

BOOM! BANG! ESPLODING NOISES!

The car blew up.

The Volvo was no longer.

Because, you see children, when you light a car on fire, the fire spreads until it reaches the gas tank… And we already know what happens when you put flames on gasoline…

We watched as the itty bitty pieces of Volvo flew through the air.

Then Jasper shrieked. Edward bent down and yanked up a piece that had embedded itself in Jasper's foot.

It was the Volvo logo.

"I will avenge you!" Edward yelled into the night...

**The End…**

* * *

Hello, this is Mojo's sister here, live from… um… her bedroom. She is currently unable to post because she is on the floor having some sort of fit… She keeps mumbling, "Reviews…" _Wheeze…_ "Reviews…" _Wheeze…_ "So… many… reviews…" _Wheeze… _So, yeah... Bye.

Peace out,

---Mojo… who is also loopy, but from lack of sleep. Not from sniffing gasoline. Really.

P.S. (Heh heh… Does anyone know what that means? I do…I didn't used to...(See what I meant about loopy?)) I wanted to thank JASPERHALEFOREVER for this wonderful idea. Read her stuff. Now. GO! …And Queen Annie-Ferny Cullen for telling me what I did wrong in a nice way…I think I did better this time. And for all the little people— OW! That hurt! Don't throw things at me! Fine, fine, I'm going!

I hope the explosion met your expectations. I'm gonna go sleep now... There might be a one shot sequel. Maybe.


	5. The Revenge

Hello everybody. Wazzup? Just so you know, I hate when people do this. Add a chapter that isn't really a chapter. But I had to. People are still telling me to make a sequel… when I have. So… I'm just here to tell everyone I made a sequel… Besides, you all knew this one was over...

It's called…

REVENGE OF THE VOLVO

Go look at it.

Or I'll sic squirrels on you.

* * *

Peace out,

--Mojo


End file.
